Things I Believe To Be True

Here’s a list of things I believe in like that people are inherently good, that possibilities and the unknown are things worth taking a risk for, that community is powerful, and that I am awesome.

My name is Jen Rollins and I fully believe in things that others do not. No, I’m not talking about Sandy Claws (I love Nightmare Before Christmas) or the Easter Bunny, I’m talking about things that resonate deep within my soul. Things that help me make fast decisions and lead my intuition. Things that make my heart smile.

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Real Life is Stranger Than Fiction

The story of a girl who woke up one day and thanks to DNA testing through 23AndMe and fell asleep knowing she has a whole new family. Sometimes real life is way stranger than fiction.

Last Saturday I sat down on couch and drank my coffee. I scrolled through my email and saw that I had a message from 23andMe. I few months ago I decided to put a strangely large amount of saliva into a little plastic container and send it off through the mail. I wanted to dive into my heritage and learn about my medical precursors. To finally learn where my ancestors came from. I’ve been making jokes for years about how I’m third generation white trash but that’s my comedic way of skirting the issue because I honestly didn’t know.

My mom had me when she was really young. I was conceived when she was 17 and she had me a month after her 18th birthday. I knew bits and pieces of her lineage but depending on the day I asked my grandma, she would change it. I think it’s because my biological grandpa is German and it seemed like there was a lot of shame attached to that. She would fluctuate between Scottish, French and English and would leave it with European. Her second husband, the man I’ve called grandpa my whole life, was born in the Ukraine and came to Canada as a refugee. He makes the most amazing food (obviously) and has been my rock through the years, but we haven’t spoken about this much either.

When I was 6, my mom told me that a man named Kelly was my father and not Jim, who my mom married when I was still a baby. I was confused but Kelly seemed nice and my mom, little brother and I had made a midnight move from Jim about a year before with only a few garbage bags. Kelly and mom had my sister, which completed our family of 5. We spent holidays and time with his family and I learned that Kelly was Irish.

If you’re following along that would make me English, French, Scottish, German and Irish with Ukrainian influence. When I got my results, it confirmed that I am indeed a very white girl.

The big piece was learning that I was British, especially at such a high amount. I wondered where the heck all of that British DNA came from but moved onto the health reports. I was relieved not to have any precursors for big scary diseases but it did show that I had an increased risk for Celiac disease, which I have been diagnosed with and Age-related macular degeneration (AMD) in my eyes, which I’ve already had surgery for. It was really, really accurate based on what I know about my body and gave me some insight and relief going forward.

There’s a section of the results that shows your DNA relatives. It took a couple of weeks for me to say yes to this, but my curiosity took over. The first thing that I saw was a name of a woman that I’ve never seen before who had shard a very large amount (23.8%) of DNA with me. For reference, I have a second cousin on 23andMe who I share 1.84% of my DNA with.

The email I’d received that morning was an alert that Linda had messaged me back and left her email address. I got in touch right away and we went back and forth about when I was born and where I lived as well as her family dynamics at the time. I gave her as much information as I could fully knowing that there was holes in the stories I’ve been told. After a few emails, she asked me if is it possible I was adopted or have a different biological father than the one I thought I had? With the amount of missing pieces in the stories I’ve been told, I let her know that anything was possible. 

Shortly after, it came to light that her brother, Don was my biological father. In one day, sitting on my couch, my entire world both crashed in and opened up. I had so many questions but my first feeling was relief. Kelly has turned out to be a not nice father or human. He tried in some ways but really, really fell in others. By the time I was 8 or 9, I felt like a fish out of water with his family. I just didn’t fit in. When the abuse was the worst I would make up stories of what my real parents were like and weirdly, finding this information out felt right. It made so much sense to me on a soul level.

Linda was so kind in making sure I had a support system to help me through this information. Her and other members of the Blake family reached out to welcome me into the family and honestly, I felt really overwhelmed and confused. I even questioned the DNA results because it sounded so much like fiction. I mean really, who sits down for coffee and finds out they have a different biological father a few hours later?

With all of the outpouring of love and curiosity from my new family, I was spiralling. I am so thankful for my lovely friends, brother, and grandpa who took my calls and listened to me freak out about all the things and having all of the feelings. Truth be told, it’s been just me and the girls and my grandpa for a long time. I’ve spend most holidays alone and have learned how to handle the loneliness and isolation that comes with fending for yourself since a very young age. Knowing that I have this big family that are so curious about me, want to spend time with me and love me, well, that felt like a lot.

Over the next few days I found out so much about about my new family and biological father. I’m lucky that my aunt Linda loves genealogy and sent me documents full of my family tree and lineage. I noticed immediately that the documents had just been updated to include me, Tenesea and Azalee. Again, I cried happy tears. To this family, I matter.

I finally got ahold of my mom (we’re estranged) and she helped me fill in some pieces of the story. She obviously knows my biological father but told me repeatedly that she truly thought Kelly was my father. I’m sure she was saying this out of shock and we can chalk a lot of this to her being bad at math. She told me that if she was me, she wouldn’t open herself up to my new family and to be very, very cautious. As usual, I didn’t take her advice.

I took the plunge and called my new aunt. Linda is sweet and caring with a touch of sass, which amuses me to no end. I’m pretty sure her and I could talk for days on end and not run out of things to say. She reminded me that I come from a long line of strong, bad-ass women and listening to her, I know that to be true.

Shortly after, I called my biological father. It was initially weird for both of us and we acknowledged that. I got a little bit of history from him and he got a little bit of history from me. He sounded sincere and kind. He said he wished that he could have been around to help give me some stability when I was younger and said he was proud of all that I’ve accomplished. He was stoked to have granddaughters and asked a lot of questions about them and what they’re like. He said that it may be too late to influence my life but he was so happy to be there to watch these little ladies grow up and to hopefully positively influence theirs. We also talked about my 2 half-brothers, 4 aunts and uncles, 5 nieces and nephews and some of my cousins (there are a lot!).

We both agreed that it’s crazy that we live so close to each other. I’m in Courtney on Vancouver Island and he’s in Powell River on the Sunshine Coast. There’s literally a ferry that takes you within 10km of my house and 10km from his house on the other side. Far from the 1300km and multiple ferry rides from my old home in Edmonton just a year and a half ago. This could explain the draw I felt when I got to the Island and the Comox Valley and how quickly my move came together. Does feel like there’s some universal magic in play here. I also talked to his lovely partner of 17 years., Sheilagh.

They made a plan to come and see us today…Saturday. A week after I sat on this couch and found out that I had a different dad than the one I grew up with. The day the pieces started to really fit together.

I woke up full of energy and nerves. I wanted things to go well but I also didn’t want to go in with too many expectations because who knew what was going to happen. They showed up at the house and almost instantly the nerves fell away. He told me not to mind if he kept staring at me because she’s just so happy I’m real and he still can’t believe it. We drank tea and talked. Tenesea sat and listened and Azalee curled up in his lap and snuggled in while he chatted. It was really, really great. We had a nice lunch and kept the conversation going and then came back to Matilda to visit some more. They had to leave for the afternoon ferry but we promised to see each other soon and we took some photos.

This could very well be my dad’s first selfie. The matching plaid was not intentional.

And here are the mermaids with their new to them grandparents. They are so happy! We all are.

It was a really wonderful day. On top of coming to visit us, they had presents for the kids and fresh eggs from their chickens for me. My dad said he’s going to bring me a lawnmower next time he comes out, which is so very kind. According to my friends, food and machinery are ways that good dads show love. I’ll need to get used to this. Also, I’m fairly certain I will have choices on where to spend holidays from now on.

Bravely Loving Forward

Big Happy News

I have some big happy news, I’m starting a new role as a Digital Lead Generation Specialist at an awesome company in Cumberland, BC on Vancouver Island.

When I moved to the Comox Valley on Vancouver Island, I thought things would stay the same. I find this hilarious looking back on it now because I also thought things wouldn’t change when I had kids and well, I can tell you everything changed.

Other than being a mom, having a little Purple Scion, and my dog, everything changed this year. New location, one place to rent and one place I now own, new kitten, new bikes, new furniture, new friends and local support system, new online relationships with my existing friends versus Remedy, Tea Girl, and Cafe Haven, new solo mom duties, new websites, deepened spiritual abilities. It’s been a whirlwind of awesome and to continue down that path, I’m starting a new role!

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What I Learned in 2017

Review of 2017 – what I’ve learned over the past year while I moved my family from Edmonton, Alberta to Courtenay, BC, on Vancouver Island.

The girls and I have spent the last couple of days in PJ’s resting, snuggling, and being in each other’s company. Taking this down time has been really strange. You’d think that we’d have cabin fever and want to explore and do ALL THE THINGS, but no. We’re exhausted.

2017 was an absolute whirlwind. From December 2016 right up until January 2018, our life was a set of doing one thing after another, rushing around, and for me, tons and tones of emotional and mental labour as I worked through safely moving my little family 1300km across provinces.

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I’ve Hit a Dip in My Spirits

It’s been 8 months since my move to Courtenay on the gorgeous Vancouver Island. I’ve gone through all of the emotions and feelings you can imagine but right now, I’m feeling meh.

8 months. It’s been 8 months since my move here to Courtenay on the gorgeous Vancouver Island. In some ways it feels like I’ve been here a much shorter time and in others it feels like I’ve been here forever.

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The view outside my vet clinic

I’ve hit a bit of a dip in my spirits lately. When I first got here everything was magic and newness and adventures. Now, I’ve hit the find a dentist and a family doctor, schedule the car maintenance, figure out a daily routine and get back to work phase. And well, it’s necessary but kinda boring. 

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I Made Myself Miserable and Loved It

I’ll admit it, I used to be the girl who was addicted to drama and chaos. I spent a lot of time making things way bigger than they actually were and would bring other people into it. Instead of going inward, I always went outward

I’ll admit it, I used to be the girl who was addicted to drama and chaos. I spent a lot of time making things way bigger than they actually were and would bring other people into it. Instead of going inward, I always went outward. I craved people telling me that I was right in my thinking and to help me move everything into a place where I felt vindicated about making myself a victim. The hard part is that I knew it was wrong but I kept going.

When I look back at that time in my life, I can see huge patterns that I held. The more I shared about the drama and chaos that was happening in my life, the more friends I had and the more I felt like I was right. It fed my ego and the space within me that told me didn’t deserve happiness or real love. It fed my fears and anxieties. It fed the anger in my core and stopped me from being able to sleep, nourish myself well, or even be truly present in my own life. In fact, the need for chaos and drama led me into relationships with people who were on the same path. I did the same for others that I craved for myself.

We attract what we think and feel. 

The pattern of bringing in turmoil and fear was a super strong one. I realize now that I was attracting and creating it to keep my core self safe. The more energy I spent on outside things that I couldn’t control, the more I masked my real feelings. Deal with the feelings from my divorce and the abuse I went through – nope, let’s jump right into job stress, dating guys I knew weren’t right for me, obsessing with money, and spending hours upon hours talking about everything that was wrong with my life to anyone that would listen.

I was making myself miserable and loving it. 

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Sad eyes tell it all

When you spend almost your whole life waiting for something bad to happen, it actually feels good when it does. The “Of course this is happening. Of course this is happening now. Of course this is happening to me.” pattern took over my mind. Then I could turn around and tell the world “See, I told you so!”. I couldn’t see what I was doing as I was so deep in it.

I remember the day I decided I needed to take control of my own life. That I didn’t need to continue down the path of feeding myself negative thoughts and feelings or feeding others in theirs. That I did deserve happiness and real love. I took out my journal and started writing out things I deserved, mind you I didn’t believe them, but I kept writing anyway.

As I wrote, the tears started flowing and I ended up in the beginning of a panic attack. These feeling of release, tears, pain, anger, these were all feelings my body and mind didn’t want to feel, so it took me into fight or flight and wanted me to move my mind into cleaning the house. It’s much easier to stay in our patters, even if they’re terrible ones, as that’s what my body know. This was the first time I didn’t pick up a washcloth or spray bottle and used my breath to calm my body down instead. Felt like it took forever but the panic started going down and I felt fuzzy and tired, but not frantic.

Each time I felt myself going back into the pattern of drama, chaos, and negative self talk, I said the words “I am safe. I am loved. I am supported”, watched my breathing, and put my feet firmly on the floor to ground myself. I can’t say that my panic and anxiety attacks have completely stopped, but I can tell you that they don’t affect me as much as they did before and that I can move quickly through them.

The patterns are breaking. 

In continuing to break this pattern, I’ve given my body the ability to know how to be full without holding onto negative thoughts and feelings, anger, and pain. I’ve given my mind the ability to focus on the present moment and to trust that things are always going to be okay. I’ve given my soul the space to enhance my spiritual abilities in ways that I could never have imagined – like fully channeling people who have passed over. I’ve even started taking NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Master Practitioner classes to help others break their own patterns, heal trauma, find their own successes, and become more resilient.

I feel like a whole new person. 

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So much happiness now

 

Bravely Repatterning Forward

Jen Signature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Bells and Red Flags

14 years ago today, I put in on a gorgeous wedding dress and married the man who I thought would be with me until death. 14 years ago today, I said “I do” to future I wanted more than anything while pushing my intuition & needs away.

When I was packing my things up to move to Vancouver Island, I found a giant pile of old journals. I didn’t know what to do with them, so I opened each one up and read the pages of the last 30 years of my life. Some of the pages made me smile, some made me cringe, and a lot made me cry.

The things I said to myself broke my heart. I wrote that I was fat, ugly, unwanted, unloved, stupid, gross, sad, closed off, and I spent way too much time chasing after guys who simply weren’t interested or it was bad timing.

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