Adventure Seeker Blog

I Made Myself Miserable and Loved It

I’ll admit it, I used to be the girl who was addicted to drama and chaos. I spent a lot of time making things way bigger than they actually were and would bring other people into it. Instead of going inward, I always went outward

I’ll admit it, I used to be the girl who was addicted to drama and chaos. I spent a lot of time making things way bigger than they actually were and would bring other people into it. Instead of going inward, I always went outward. I craved people telling me that I was right in my thinking and to help me move everything into a place where I felt vindicated about making myself a victim. The hard part is that I knew it was wrong but I kept going.

When I look back at that time in my life, I can see huge patterns that I held. The more I shared about the drama and chaos that was happening in my life, the more friends I had and the more I felt like I was right. It fed my ego and the space within me that told me didn’t deserve happiness or real love. It fed my fears and anxieties. It fed the anger in my core and stopped me from being able to sleep, nourish myself well, or even be truly present in my own life. In fact, the need for chaos and drama led me into relationships with people who were on the same path. I did the same for others that I craved for myself.

We attract what we think and feel. 

The pattern of bringing in turmoil and fear was a super strong one. I realize now that I was attracting and creating it to keep my core self safe. The more energy I spent on outside things that I couldn’t control, the more I masked my real feelings. Deal with the feelings from my divorce and the abuse I went through – nope, let’s jump right into job stress, dating guys I knew weren’t right for me, obsessing with money, and spending hours upon hours talking about everything that was wrong with my life to anyone that would listen.

I was making myself miserable and loving it. 

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Sad eyes tell it all

When you spend almost your whole life waiting for something bad to happen, it actually feels good when it does. The “Of course this is happening. Of course this is happening now. Of course this is happening to me.” pattern took over my mind. Then I could turn around and tell the world “See, I told you so!”. I couldn’t see what I was doing as I was so deep in it.

I remember the day I decided I needed to take control of my own life. That I didn’t need to continue down the path of feeding myself negative thoughts and feelings or feeding others in theirs. That I did deserve happiness and real love. I took out my journal and started writing out things I deserved, mind you I didn’t believe them, but I kept writing anyway.

As I wrote, the tears started flowing and I ended up in the beginning of a panic attack. These feeling of release, tears, pain, anger, these were all feelings my body and mind didn’t want to feel, so it took me into fight or flight and wanted me to move my mind into cleaning the house. It’s much easier to stay in our patters, even if they’re terrible ones, as that’s what my body know. This was the first time I didn’t pick up a washcloth or spray bottle and used my breath to calm my body down instead. Felt like it took forever but the panic started going down and I felt fuzzy and tired, but not frantic.

Each time I felt myself going back into the pattern of drama, chaos, and negative self talk, I said the words “I am safe. I am loved. I am supported”, watched my breathing, and put my feet firmly on the floor to ground myself. I can’t say that my panic and anxiety attacks have completely stopped, but I can tell you that they don’t affect me as much as they did before and that I can move quickly through them.

The patterns are breaking. 

In continuing to break this pattern, I’ve given my body the ability to know how to be full without holding onto negative thoughts and feelings, anger, and pain. I’ve given my mind the ability to focus on the present moment and to trust that things are always going to be okay. I’ve given my soul the space to enhance my spiritual abilities in ways that I could never have imagined – like fully channeling people who have passed over. I’ve even started taking NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Master Practitioner classes to help others break their own patterns, heal trauma, find their own successes, and become more resilient.

I feel like a whole new person. 

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So much happiness now

 

Bravely Repatterning Forward

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Date Jen Rollins

I’m new to Courtenay and the Comox Valley. I’ve tried online dating here but I didn’t find any romantic connections. Help me find an awesome guy.

My life is amazing. I have an incredible life with my two mermaids. I live in paradise – with the ocean, forest, lakes, and mountains surrounding me. I have a super cool purple house and a purple car (hmmm…I sense a theme here). I have wonderful talents and abilities that let me have the flexibility to really enjoy my life and make an impact in people’s lives. And I’m surrounded by the most amazing friends anyone could ask for.

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Women in Abusive Relationships – I Believe You

Women in abusive relationships, I’ve been where you are right now and I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, I believe you and I’d like to share some of my insights with you.

**This is written from my own perspective (cisgender, heteronormative). Domestic violence happens in all forms of intimate relationships and pronouns can be interchanged to reflect that.**

Dear Beautiful Being,

You may not know me, so I’ll introduce myself. My name is Jennifer Rollins and I was in an abusive relationship for 14 years.

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Bring the Ocean to You

After my daughters’ spent a month with their dad in Edmonton, I welcomed them back to Courtenay, BC with a huge mural on their bedroom wall that my lovely friend Jenja McIntyre painted.

I call my daughters mermaids as they’re always in the water or thinking about water. After being in Edmonton for the last month with their dad, they got off the plane and begged to go to the ocean (who could blame them), then check out the new splash park in Comox. Now that’s supper is done, they want either a bath or to jump through the sprinkler. They’re water babies through and through.

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Safe is a Four Letter Word

Today I was asked what safety looked like for me and what it felt like. As a super visual and creative person, it’s one of the first time that I’ve been speechless. I couldn’t come up with a single idea

My head and heart are reeling. I’m 4 days into a 21 day raw vegan food and juice cleanse through this super awesome local Courtenay company called Rawthentic and one of the bonus pieces is emotional counselling to bring my physical body back into integration and flow.

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I Am a Beautiful Mess

I, Jennifer Rollins, am a beautiful mess. I built up layers and of protection and they’ve served me well, but now I’m ready to peel them back.

 There was a time in my life where I took great pride in not doing things. My best friend and I were perfectly content drinking copious amount of iced coffee, eating vegan food, working, and going to the bar. That rounded out our responsibilities and day-to-day activities.

We barely cooked outside of after the bar meals – red labeled Ichiban, hash browns, and sometimes pasta. We didn’t cross the bridge to go downtown or leave Whyte Ave unless there was a good show or we absolutely had to. We walked a lot but didn’t own a pair of running shoes because they were ugly and well, we didn’t run. In fact, when people asked us to adventure outside of our routine, we would reply “We don’t do things” and laugh.

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Wedding Bells and Red Flags

14 years ago today, I put in on a gorgeous wedding dress and married the man who I thought would be with me until death. 14 years ago today, I said “I do” to future I wanted more than anything while pushing my intuition & needs away.

When I was packing my things up to move to Vancouver Island, I found a giant pile of old journals. I didn’t know what to do with them, so I opened each one up and read the pages of the last 30 years of my life. Some of the pages made me smile, some made me cringe, and a lot made me cry.

The things I said to myself broke my heart. I wrote that I was fat, ugly, unwanted, unloved, stupid, gross, sad, closed off, and I spent way too much time chasing after guys who simply weren’t interested or it was bad timing.

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Stepping on the Gas Pedal

It’s time to free yourself from labels and boxes and live your life out loud – to follow your deepest dreams & desires. It’s YOUR time to Bravely Walk Forward.

Recently, I took a pause to get my new house together and catch my breath after such a huge, stressful and exciting few months and I needed it. I needed to slow down and gather my thoughts and open myself up to the energy of the Island and figure out who I am here.

The truth is, a lot has changed. I’ve shifted and really come into my own here. I’m lighter, happier and have taken the space to realize how far I’ve come and focused in on the wisdom and life lessons that comes with that. I even took a stepped back to celebrate all that I’ve accomplished so far (something that has been uncomfortable for me to do in the past) and I have to tell you, it feels great.

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The Art of Building Yourself Back Up

I left Edmonton with 16 Rubbermaid containers and 4 months later, I have a full furnished home on Vancouver Island. Crazy, right?

I left Edmonton with 16 rubbermaid containers, a suitcase, and two kids bicycles.

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Looking back, I can hardly believe I managed to donate, give away, and sell everything in my 4 bedroom house within 7 weeks. It was one hell of a giant purge and I’ll be the first to admit that I spent hours upon hours crying and releasing as things moved onto their new homes.

I didn’t think I had a huge attachment to my things, it’s just stuff after all, but I had spent years and years collecting and caring for these things. Each piece had a memory attached and I had to grieve through a lot of it. There were receiving blankets that I wrapped my wee babies in like little burritos. There were books that brought me to other places and helped me escape when I needed it. There were CDs that shaped my youth, initiated a lot of dance parties, and were the background to so many amazing nights.

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20 Reasons I Love Cumberland BC

You would think that moving from a city of over a million people to a village would be a giant challenge, but it wasn’t at all. In fact, it was a refreshing, lovely community to call home

When I moved from Edmonton to Vancouver Island in March, 2017, our first home was in Cumberland, BC.  I needed a place for my two young daughters and I to live while I found either a long-term rental or a house to buy and my lovely friend Joanna Finch needed someone to rent her furnished home and look after her cat while she was in China recording and creating music.

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