I’ll admit it, I used to be the girl who was addicted to drama and chaos. I spent a lot of time making things way bigger than they actually were and would bring other people into it. Instead of going inward, I always went outward. I craved people telling me that I was right in my thinking and to help me move everything into a place where I felt vindicated about making myself a victim. The hard part is that I knew it was wrong but I kept going.
When I look back at that time in my life, I can see huge patterns that I held. The more I shared about the drama and chaos that was happening in my life, the more friends I had and the more I felt like I was right. It fed my ego and the space within me that told me didn’t deserve happiness or real love. It fed my fears and anxieties. It fed the anger in my core and stopped me from being able to sleep, nourish myself well, or even be truly present in my own life. In fact, the need for chaos and drama led me into relationships with people who were on the same path. I did the same for others that I craved for myself.
We attract what we think and feel.
The pattern of bringing in turmoil and fear was a super strong one. I realize now that I was attracting and creating it to keep my core self safe. The more energy I spent on outside things that I couldn’t control, the more I masked my real feelings. Deal with the feelings from my divorce and the abuse I went through – nope, let’s jump right into job stress, dating guys I knew weren’t right for me, obsessing with money, and spending hours upon hours talking about everything that was wrong with my life to anyone that would listen.
I was making myself miserable and loving it.
When you spend almost your whole life waiting for something bad to happen, it actually feels good when it does. The “Of course this is happening. Of course this is happening now. Of course this is happening to me.” pattern took over my mind. Then I could turn around and tell the world “See, I told you so!”. I couldn’t see what I was doing as I was so deep in it.
I remember the day I decided I needed to take control of my own life. That I didn’t need to continue down the path of feeding myself negative thoughts and feelings or feeding others in theirs. That I did deserve happiness and real love. I took out my journal and started writing out things I deserved, mind you I didn’t believe them, but I kept writing anyway.
As I wrote, the tears started flowing and I ended up in the beginning of a panic attack. These feeling of release, tears, pain, anger, these were all feelings my body and mind didn’t want to feel, so it took me into fight or flight and wanted me to move my mind into cleaning the house. It’s much easier to stay in our patters, even if they’re terrible ones, as that’s what my body know. This was the first time I didn’t pick up a washcloth or spray bottle and used my breath to calm my body down instead. Felt like it took forever but the panic started going down and I felt fuzzy and tired, but not frantic.
Each time I felt myself going back into the pattern of drama, chaos, and negative self talk, I said the words “I am safe. I am loved. I am supported”, watched my breathing, and put my feet firmly on the floor to ground myself. I can’t say that my panic and anxiety attacks have completely stopped, but I can tell you that they don’t affect me as much as they did before and that I can move quickly through them.
The patterns are breaking.
In continuing to break this pattern, I’ve given my body the ability to know how to be full without holding onto negative thoughts and feelings, anger, and pain. I’ve given my mind the ability to focus on the present moment and to trust that things are always going to be okay. I’ve given my soul the space to enhance my spiritual abilities in ways that I could never have imagined – like fully channeling people who have passed over. I’ve even started taking NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Master Practitioner classes to help others break their own patterns, heal trauma, find their own successes, and become more resilient.
I feel like a whole new person.
Bravely Repatterning Forward