My head and heart are reeling. I’m 4 days into a 21 day raw vegan food and juice cleanse through this super awesome local Courtenay company called Rawthentic and one of the bonus pieces is emotional counselling to bring my physical body back into integration and flow.
I had my first session today and it was so healing and beautiful, as sessions with Colette always are. It also brought up so many things that I need to focus on and clear out. Like we’ve been doing in my Bravely Walk Forward Collective – you have to unpack the little things that hang out in your suitcase, taking up space, so you can fit in the things you need for your new adventure.
I need to unpack my anger. Yeah, this is so uncomfortable for me to even think about. In fact, I’m going to call it agitation instead as that resonates a little better in my soul. Since I was a tiny little girl, I’ve associated anger with blowups, violence, yelling, fear, anxiety, feeling small and being scared. When anger comes up within me, I typically bypass right through it to “that’s life” or “it’s okay” because I’ve never learned a constructive way to handle it. Anger has always equalled explosion to me. I’ve gotten agitated and done nothing, so it sits like this little furnace in the centre of my being that goes dark and then gets fed again. It’s like the embers never really go out and they’re waiting to be stirred again.
And you know what, I’m embarrassed about this anger. Women aren’t supposed to be angry, right? We’re supposed to be nurturing, loving, caring, and compassionate. I’ve spend so long not dealing with my anger that I can barely fit anything else into my suitcase. It’s time to spend time with this fire, investigate each burning piece, and put out the agitation with all of the love I have in my heart and soul. Get water flowing into the heart of the fire so it doesn’t spread or cause any more destruction.
Today I was asked what safety looked like for me and what it felt like. As a super visual and creative person, it’s one of the first time that I’ve been speechless. I couldn’t come up with a single idea other than maybe being hugged and safe in someone’s arms. Even in the safest place I’ve ever lived – far away from any past abusers and people who have hurt me, I still don’t know what safety looks like. I want to change this, so I am.
More beach time is in order. I can visualize the water all around me moving deep inside of me until I feel relief and breath deeper. More movement is in order. The more I walk and run the more I can slow down and rest. I’m even buying a bicycle tomorrow! More creation is in order. I can let these feelings flow through me and create gorgeous art, beautiful words, and new pieces for Matilda.
Beach, move, create – that’s a pretty great recipe for August. It’s my time to know that “safe” is more than just a four letter word. Back to my lemon water and gorgeous rawghetti as I thank my amazing body, mind, and soul as I continue to lean into who I truly am.
Bravely Firefighting Forward
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