When I had my daughters, I made sure I got out of the house every day. Even with a two-day-old baby, I was walking around a mall (with painkillers). Even after I asked my ex-husband for a separation, I went back to work the next morning.
It comes as no surprise that took 2 months to sell my house, give away and sell everything in my 4 bedroom home, plan my move, come to the Island for a week to solidify my place to live and get affairs in order, take the girls to all of their appointments – dentist, doctor, optometrist and go to my own appointments, get my legal affairs in order, clean my house, cancel everything and move everything else, get into a relationship with an ex and then end it, and drive 2 days to get to Cumberland. All while running a couple of businesses, looking after my two young daughters 24 days of the month, hanging out with friends, writing, and working out at least 3 days a week.
My pattern is go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go and then a huge crash and burn. I’ve done full months without sleeping more than 3 hours a night, which has broken me down to a point where I got pneumonia twice…in both lungs. Under extreme stress, I will also lose my appetite and get TMJ so bad that I wake up with mouthfuls of blood from clenching and grinding.
I bet this is the point where you think I’m going to tell you that my move has made all of these patterns disappear and that I’m doing so well. That I’ve found the secret to slowing down and being in the moment. Turns out, even being in one of the most beautiful places on Earth hasn’t slowed me down.
I just hit my first 60 days on Vancouver Island and my list of things I’ve accomplished is just as long as the one I wrote above. Even in the first 5 weeks I put a bid in on my dream house and days later, it was approved and the conditions were taken off. I’ve also added 4 new marketing clients, made awesome friendships, found an amazing babysitter, seen live music, got an addiction to buy/sell and 24-hour bidding sites, explored 10 different parks in the area, volunteered for the Cumberland Forest Society, started a pottery class, kept up this blog, and drank a LOT of coffee. All while being a solo parent with two businesses.
I’m fucking tired. Legit.
It’s time to re-pattern. I didn’t come here to get so sick I can’t enjoy this gorgeous place or time with my kids. I didn’t come here to move so fast I can’t breathe. I came here to start again. To be the phoenix coming out of ashes. To reinvent myself and to open my wings. I can’t do this at the pace I’m at and I’m scared of being forced to slow down with illness again.
It’s time to slow down and heal. To focus within and deal with the things I moved past because I had to. My ability to shove down my emotions and trauma in order to keep showing up and moving forward has served me well. In a lot of cases, it kept me alive. I’m so grateful for this but it’s not needed anymore. I’m fully capable of dealing with my emotions, being vulnerable and raw, and giving myself the space to move through things as I’m in them. It’s time to rely on my power and the beautiful space I can find through mindfulness and connection.
I’ve come to realize that things happen for me and not to me. I’m not the victim in my life anymore and I don’t need to shy away from the wisdom and strength this gives me. To honour this, I’m going to move through things in a less forceful way. I’m going to do what I want when I want to and not just because I’m scared of slowing down. I want to know what it’s like to wake up, keep my PJ’s on, and watch Netflix all day without guilt.
I’m giving myself a busy intervention. I’m going to stop myself each time I feel my old patterns coming up. I’m going to sleep when I want to and maybe even learn how to nap. I’m going to listen to my body and eat what I want, when I want to. I’m going to seek out a feeling of “lightness” and be fully open to experiences. I’m going to explore a life without force. I don’t even know what this looks like and I REALLY want to start planning and organizing it, but I need less on my “build the life I want” list (my renamed to-do list), not more.
Wish me luck!
Bravely Taking Jen Time Forward
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