I just realized I’m not coming back to Edmonton. I’m sure this sounds odd but it’s true.
I know I was moving. I know I sold my house. I know my things have been lovingly rehoused. I know all of these this as I went through the motions for 6 months. Yet, deep down I felt like I was going back. Like this is all a dream and it’s time to get back to real life in Edmonton.
Some people here have strong opinions about what Edmonton is like – oil guzzling, environment killing, money hungry, fast living rednecks. Yesterday, a guy told me he lived in Edmonton for 10 years “I lived in that jail for 10 years and they threw away the key. I did my time. Never again.”
Each time people say this I smile and remind them that not everyone is like that. It’s the place where I found my footing, found wonderful friends, created a couple of business, felt like a member of a community, helped make real change, and had two amazing little girls. I felt like I belonged there.
Here, I’m a little fish in a big pond. The girls and I are a happy trio but I’m missing adult interactions outside of placing my coffee order.
A couple of weeks ago, the girls and I went to the Comox Valley Arts Gala. It was a lot of fun. We watched local dancers, choirs, actors, musicians, poets, stayed for a family dance, and even won a salmon fishing trip on a yacht. It was a great night (with a lot of super yummy gluten free food) and we had so much fun but I didn’t know a single soul. In Edmonton, I would have known at least 20 people.
I haven’t had a big move like this since I went from Sylvan Lake, Alberta to Edmonton in 1988. On one hand, it’s weird to not know a single person when I’m out and about and on the other hand, there’s a sense of freedom.
I get to start over. I get to be 100% myself and to leave my past behind. A clean slate. I’m not 90’s Jen – who worked at Rebar and The Black Dog and if you were really nice, might let you into a punk rock show on my guest list. I’m not 2000’s Jen – a wife who struggled with infertility and then had a little girl and a miscarriage. I’m not even early 2010’s Jen who had another little girl and a year later, found the strength to leave her abusive marriage. I’m not my former relationship, friends, or career choices.
I’m the woman with the wisdom of my past. I’m the woman who’s always thrived, even through horrible situations. I’m a warrior who has stepped into her power.
I’m much more than just a mom, a digital marketer and sales strategist, an intuitive healer, a writer, and a creative spirit. I’m a beautiful combination of all of these things and more. It’s time to redefine who I am.
So, who am I? Who do I want to be?
Bravely Questioning Forward