Four years ago, I made the decision to end my marriage. I was done with living on eggshells and the cycle of angry silence, fighting, and smiling through tears as I tried to keep everything together.
I was so damn scared. I was told every day that I couldn’t manage on my own, that I didn’t have support from family and that no man would ever want me. I was nothing more than an overweight woman who people just pretended to like. He broke me down in so many ways and I allowed it because that’s what I’ve seen love look like since I was a child.
The first thing I did was find counseling and that’s when I fully realized I was being abused. When she suggested I go to a group for women who have experienced domestic violence, I didn’t want to go as my case wasn’t that bad – he never hit me. As scared as I was, I went to group that day and each week for the next 2 years. I wanted to heal and understand my own patterns so I could be a better parent to my daughters and to make sure I wouldn’t find myself in another abusive relationship.
I’ve done so much inner work since March 28th, 2013.
- I went from a woman who was afraid of being alone to a woman who enjoys her own company.
- I went from a woman who felt like she wasn’t whole without a man in her life to a woman who knows she’s amazing with or without a partner.
- I went from resenting being a single mom to really enjoying my lovely daughters.
- I went from a woman with levels and levels of anger about losing the future I thought I wanted to a woman creating her own future every day.
- I went from a woman in a PTSD fog where I was numb for years to a woman who truly experiences and feels everything.
- I went from a woman who swallowed her feelings to keep from rocking the boat to a woman who speaks her mind and lets her needs be known.
- I went from a woman who hated her body to a woman who appreciates all of herself including my light and dark sides.
- I went from a woman who never put herself first to a woman following her dreams.
- I went from a woman who was a chameleon – always adapting and changing to fit in to a woman who lives her truth and isn’t afraid of her abilities and talents.
- I went from a woman who thought she had it all figured out to a woman who understands that there’s always more to learn and beliefs need to be challenged.
All of this took time…a lot of time. In fact, I finally released the grief associated with my marriage during my move from Edmonton to Vancouver Island. This process has been painful and uncomfortable at times but each shift I’ve made has helped me become a better person.
4 years ago I was broken, numb, lonely, and scared of the future. If you would have told that I would be living in a place with mountains, ocean, and glorious food while owning a thriving business, I wouldn’t have believed it. Not for one second. But here I am!
Bravely Evolving Forward