Today I have all the feelings. Yes, all of them.
It’s been a week since we’ve been here in Cumberland and 9 days since we started this journey and I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m happy and I’m content and I’m anxious and I’m depressed and I’m…a giant run on sentence with poor grammar.
I woke up early after too many nightmares and being constantly pestered by both kids either to talk to me, snuggle, or just make sure I know they’re doing okay all night.
Tenesea has a rash on her body from stress. She’s so happy to be here and loves the Island but she misses her dad and our old life. She’s been crying herself to sleep and it hurts my heart. Azalee is acting up and constantly trying to be the center of attention – good or bad. She’s a spitfire of chaos. It’s really trying my patience and compassion. I’ve had more meltdowns and screaming fits than I’d like to admit.
I’m good at change and new beginnings but this is huge. Gigantic.
All of this giant change brings giant opportunity, this I know. I need to keep myself from going into victim mode where I question everything that brought me to this point. I’m not a victim. I am a powerful woman rising up to her true potential as I embrace these feelings and the process that is forcing me to evolve higher.
As my amazing friend Colette said today “Sometimes we move so far from where we were, we can’t see what’s left to heal. So,we’re forced to see what deep issues are still holding us down and work on them.” For me, that’s been the last couple of days. I’ve moved myself from 1 to 70 but still need to continue the momentum forward, as uncomfortable as it is.
It’s time for me to let go of the negative attachments to my past and to work through forgiveness for myself and the people who have hurt me along the way. It’s time to be free of all of this pain that has held me back for so long.
Next week will bring routine with the girls going back to school/daycare and me having my days to myself to find new clients, get back to work, and hopefully meet some new friends. Routine will be good for us all.
Even with all of these feelings today, I know I made the right decision and things will be amazing. The girls know it too and we’ve talked about this a lot. I simply need to be here for them (and myself) with an open heart, open mind, and lots of adventures. Always adventures.
Bravely Feeling Forward