What the Hell Am I Doing?

83% of my time is spent planning and being excited. 7% is spent panicking about getting things done. 10% is asking myself what the hell I’m doing

The majority of my time is spent planning and being excited about my move. Let’s say it’s 83%. Another 7% is spent panicking about the number of things I need to get done before we go and the remaining 10% is me trying to remember things I’ve already forgotten to do and asking myself what the hell I’m doing.

Right now, life is easy. I live in an amazing little house, Tenesea’s school is across the street and Azalee’s daycare is two blocks away. I have every second weekend to myself to visit friends and recharge. I have great, local clients that love me. I can go work at Tea Girl with my friend Jen at 11:00 (which is my actual plan today). Everything I ever wanted in my life I have – kids, house, car, career, and friends. Things are easy.

I’m the girl who grew up poor in trailer parks all over rural Alberta.  The girl who was shown the life shouldn’t be much more than finding a man who treats you like crap, popping out a few kids, scraping by financially, and hoping for a miracle. I wasn’t shown how to jump. I was never told that I could do anything I wanted. I was given very low expectations.

I knew I was different by the time I was 5 years-old and this knowledge fuelled me. I went against every status quo. I was a very quiet kid (that would surprise some of you who know me now) who preferred books to people. I pushed myself in school and knew that if I excelled, I could create my own future.

Now, I’m motivated by big leaps. I’m motivated by pushing myself and seeing just how much I can accomplish in this life. I want a life of ease, of course, but I want it on my own terms – I want to be surrounded by water, mountains, wilderness. I want adventures. I want to run with the salt water across my face.  I want to teach my girls about nature, community, caring for the environment, and to show them they can accomplish anything their hearts desire. I want them to remember their fantastic childhood full of magic, happiness, and learning through doing. This move is the ripple that starts our lives down a path of amazing, I can feel it. I still have everything I’ve ever wanted, it’s just going to be in a new place. I totally know what I’m doing.

Besides, I wouldn’t want to disappoint 1997 Jen:


As an aside, I totally quit smoking shortly after.

Beaver Walking Forward (Rebecca’s hilarious autocorrect yesterday)


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